Why is it so hard to want to be wanted?

Let me phrase that question differently... Why is it so hard to want to fall into the arms of a love and desire that promises to sustain and satisfy. If i don't feel a desire to leap into a canyon full of promises yet fulfilled what do i do then? If all of my struggles and strivings stem from an inaccurate view of intimacy how do i then lean the right understanding of intimacy?

There is a sharp distinction to be made bewteen trusting God and pleasing God that is for sure. One by willpower tries to earn the approval, smile, delight of a being who is so perfectly containing everyhing beautiful that your attempts are like filthy blood-stained mentsruel rags (See Ezekiel 36:17). The other acknowledges that Christ can't love me more than he already does because i have been washed in the blood of his sacrifice. I can do nothing to escape that fact even if by willpower ignore/deny every day. Trusting God for what he already says about me and what he says to me IS the battle. Uncovering the truth about who i am already is harder a mystery than interpreting whether light exists in waves or particles.

If what the Scriptures are true, that God is a jealous lover of me, even after the fall, why is it so hard to realize that truth. I certainly don't have to be qualified before he chases after me, bc there is nothing i can do beforehand to qualify myself. But certainly the same must hold true for after the fact as well. How do i walk into the Truth that God is head-over heels in love with me? shouldn't that reality change me to long, worship, desire, return the love shown to me. I know love because he FIRST loved me. This vaccuum of neither returning love nor feeling qualified is driving me crazy.

I want to feel and know the reality that scripture claims that Christ is a jealous lover of me who pursued me unto death, but when it doesn't feel that way how do i act? What if i have never felt that, does that make it any less true? Shouldn't truth be truth because it is somehow applicable to our lives. My musings need direction....