Armchair Poetry is the best kind

So tell em what you think

3 seconds of darkness

For 3 seconds I wait for numbness set it
It can delay truth as long as you want.
Help yourself to the buffet of destruction.

Only here can let-down and wanton mix for 3 seconds
Only here titan forces pull desire till its frayed from wear
Only here, one, two, three

Volition and fate are both reigned in
How do I pretend to be more than that
For 3 seconds I am not.
I am only the sum of deception plus opportunity

Shouldn’t the well be less tasty in the face of its own barrenness?
Can one look at a grave and desire to jump in?
Can an empty room want mere filler?
Can 3 seconds draw away all of a fixed reality

“Not again”s blur the focus
Willpower breeds more discontent
How do I escape those 3 seconds

How does 3 seconds mimic satisfaction so well
Each bell I come running in true pavlovian fashion
1 second to blink
2 more to retreat

3 seconds or infinity which is longer
my will or your grace which is stronger

Grace Poem

I wrote this on a very dark night...

Grace

Again I fall
Flat on my face
Wondering how this place
Appears so similar

The feeling of losing it all
Begins to settle on my soul
Darkness through every orifice crawls
Asking only for one more taste

Like Eve ive been deceived by
This king of the air this thieve…
Who adorns flesh
Torn from those who’ve given up before

Still I stand on sand that sinks
Praying my name remains in permenant ink
I hear that my duty is delight
But on this night all that echoes is the might of frustration

I remember the sweet voice of the one who calls
Whom alone has the power to draw the blinds of the soul
Only my sin has deafened his beckon
And my stubbornness feeds his withdrawl

People spotlight me for answers as I
Teem with only more questions…more chances
To fall, stumble, cry, and be humbled

He will come like a thief in the night
To take away this agony this fight.
I long for the fullness of joy I seek so dearly
And pray for the day when I may see it clearly

Christ to you alone my sin I give
Banking on your promise to forgive
I am not perfect not by a longshot
But in you lies the armor to stop this onslought

As the Father loves you so you love me
Daily, fervently, passionately
To drink and taste of that sweet melody
One must cast aside the sin that so easily entangles me

Help, come, purify
Stand, fight, come inside

May I seek to boast only in the cross that can save me
Not in the dross that plagues and belays me

Now to whom glory and honor continually cede
Comfort my soul and be my reprieve.

Why is it so hard to want to be wanted?

Let me phrase that question differently... Why is it so hard to want to fall into the arms of a love and desire that promises to sustain and satisfy. If i don't feel a desire to leap into a canyon full of promises yet fulfilled what do i do then? If all of my struggles and strivings stem from an inaccurate view of intimacy how do i then lean the right understanding of intimacy?

There is a sharp distinction to be made bewteen trusting God and pleasing God that is for sure. One by willpower tries to earn the approval, smile, delight of a being who is so perfectly containing everyhing beautiful that your attempts are like filthy blood-stained mentsruel rags (See Ezekiel 36:17). The other acknowledges that Christ can't love me more than he already does because i have been washed in the blood of his sacrifice. I can do nothing to escape that fact even if by willpower ignore/deny every day. Trusting God for what he already says about me and what he says to me IS the battle. Uncovering the truth about who i am already is harder a mystery than interpreting whether light exists in waves or particles.

If what the Scriptures are true, that God is a jealous lover of me, even after the fall, why is it so hard to realize that truth. I certainly don't have to be qualified before he chases after me, bc there is nothing i can do beforehand to qualify myself. But certainly the same must hold true for after the fact as well. How do i walk into the Truth that God is head-over heels in love with me? shouldn't that reality change me to long, worship, desire, return the love shown to me. I know love because he FIRST loved me. This vaccuum of neither returning love nor feeling qualified is driving me crazy.

I want to feel and know the reality that scripture claims that Christ is a jealous lover of me who pursued me unto death, but when it doesn't feel that way how do i act? What if i have never felt that, does that make it any less true? Shouldn't truth be truth because it is somehow applicable to our lives. My musings need direction....